How to solve relationship problems 5 secrets from research

How to solve relationship dicke bretter bohren mssens 5 secrets from researchHow to solve relationship schwierigkeits 5 secrets from researchEvery relationship has problems. And they lead to arguments - which often dont go anywhere and just make things worse.One solution is couples therapy. Its a very good solution, especially if you want to solve things by getting divorced.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn fact, we asked the people who participated in ur research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there welches a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.ThatsJohn Gottman, the data driven cupid of academia. Hes renowned as the relationship expert who can listen to a couple talk for just a few minutes and predict whether theyll split up with an eerie 90+% degree of accuracy.For decades hes brought couples into his lab, studied how they interacted and followed up to binnensee whether that worked. And hes learned a lot.Johns book isThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples.All couples have arguments. There is no magic, conflict-free relationship. (Sorry.) So how do you fightright? Thats what were gonna learn. Where should we start?How about at the beginning? Because as it turns out, beginnings are critical Start discussions gentlyAs you may have suspected, starting a conversation with YOU MORON is never a good idea.Seriously, if you dont want your partner to get defensive and angry then, quite simply, dont begin a discussion in a way that would makeanyperson defensive and angry.Sounds obvious but we all do it. And women do it a lot more than men. (Dont worry well get to the mistakes men make soon enough.)FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThe womans role here is usual ly critical, as in heterosexual relationships (in most Western culture) it is the woman who brings up the issues 80% of the time, according to research by Philip and Carolyn Cowan at Berkeley. Again, the findings suggest that starting with attack is less likely to result in nondefensive or empathic listening.The critical distinction here is between complaining and criticizing.Complaining about a specific problem or behavior is totally okay. (When youre late, it makes me feel like Im not important to you.) But criticizing is when you present the issue as a defect in your partner. (Youre just so selfish)Telling someone you dont like their behavior is appropriate and necessary. Accusing them of being a demon spawn succubus forged from an unholy pact in the darkest pits of the netherworld is, shall we say,less-than-constructive.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesHappy couples presented issues as joint problems, and specific to one situation. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, presented issues as if they were symptoms of global defects in the partners personality.But some people will respond, You dont understand. They always make this mistake and Im just trying tofixthem.Overruled, counselor. Yourestilldoing it, but with a shinier rationalization. Trying to fix your partner means you see them as defective. This is the perspective that couples on their way to Splitsville take.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesPartners in unhappy relationships saw it as their responsibility to help their partners become better people. They acted as if they believed that the problem in relationships is that we pair with people who arent as perfect as we are. Then it becomes our responsibility to point out to our partners how they can become better human beings. They need us to point out their mistakes. We expect them to be grateful to us for our great wisdom. In miserable relationships our habit of mind is to focus on our own irritability and disappointment, and to explain to our partners how they are responsible for these miserable feelings we have.Dont raise issues in a way that could be summed up as Everything would be wonderful if you just get your act together and do exactly as I tell you because youre the screw-up and Im the long-suffering victim here.Focus on the problem, not the person. And be gentle. Even if youareright, being self-righteous doesnt help.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so youve got your head on straight about how to approach things. But your head isnt the only part of you thats important here. Your body plays a big partStay calmI know, easier said than done. But this ishuge. The ability to stay physically calm during conflict showed the biggest correlation with relationship happiness of anything Gottman tested.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesI recall a landmark phone call in my life from Bob asking me if I had ever obtained high correlations (in the .90s), and him reporting that we had obtained such high correlations in our first 3-year follow-up study, using only physiological data in predicting relationship happiness, controlling for initial levels.Did you notice the wording there? Physiological. As in, your body. So suppressing rage, keeping your mouth shut andappearingchill doesnt qualify as calm.When things get emotional, your heart starts racing, the cortisol and adrenalin start pumping and this leads to a cascade of negative effects you cant control. You have trouble listening, empathizing and problem solving.Gottman calls it diffuse physiological arousal.You and I call it wigging out.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn the context of relationship conflict, DPA has big psychological effects. It decreases ones ability to take in information (reducing hearing and peripheral vision and making it difficult to shift attention away from a defensive posture). It can also create increased defensiveness and what we call the summarizing yourself syndrome, which is repeating ones own position in the hope that ones partner will suddenly get it and become loving again. DPA can reduce the ability to be creative in problem solving, it eliminates access to ones sense of humor and to affection, and it reduces the ability to listen to ones partner and empathize.And this is a bigger problem for men. When put in an emotional situation, men get flooded more quickly than women. And once physiologically worked up, it takes them longer to return to baseline.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples there were decreases in blood pressure only for women. Noradrenaline is a stress hormone that operates in the brain and is theequivalent of adrenaline in the periphery. Oxytocin, in her study, decreased noradrenaline levels for women, but not for men. Hence, this research would suggest that men are more vulnerable to DPAEver get into a heated argument and realize its going nowhere?Once the stress hormones are hitting the bloodstream at firehose speed, Gottman says constructive, empathetic discussion is impossible. So what do you do?Well, kids arent the only ones that can benefit from a time-out.You cant insist that your body relax. So Gottman recommends taking a 20-minute break. And distractyourself during that time. (Bitterly mumbling to yourself for 20 minutes isnt going to make Round 2 any easier.)When youre both calmer, try again.(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)So maybe you manage to stay all Zen. Great. But now youre in the thick of the conversation. What should you be saying to make sure it doesnt go off the rails?Stay positiveYeah, sounds obvious. But this isnt some silly little truism - its a powerful insight from real data. You want a ratio of five positive comments for every negative one.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThe ratio of pos itive to negative affect during conflict in stable relationships is 51 in couples headed for divorce, it is 0.81 or less.Even in the midst of arguments, the successful couples Gottman studied frequently sprinkled in positive statements like Good point,Say more about how you feel and what you need, and If thats so important to you lets find a way to make that happen.You want to avoid negative comments that arent constructive likeThat is so stupid, Youre so selfish and, Id love to hit you with a tire iron and bury you in the crawlspace.But dont forget - the ratio was five to one, not five tozero. Negativity isnt evil. In fact, a little bit is necessary. Getting angry didnt cause breakupsIt wasescalationof negativity that landed people in divorce court.You yell and then they yell louder and then you yell even louder until the windows are vibrating and the pets are cowering beneath the couch.If this sounds like your fights, may I suggest you dont get a 30-year mortgage? Because your ma rriage will likely be over in 6.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIt is the escalation of negativity, marked particularly by criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that predicts divorce. We found that couples who escalated conflict divorced an average of about 5.6 years after their wedding.When things get heated, use humor. Calling your partner a joke is not a good idea but making a joke during a fight can help de-escalate conflict.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples(Positive affect) was the only variable that predicted both couple stability and happiness in our newlywed study. Furthermore, the positive affect was not distributed evenly or randomly during the conflict conversation - rather, it was used precisely - it was in the service of conflict deescalation. Positive affect and deescalation were used in the service of physiological soothing, particularly of the male in heterosexual relationships. Thats why even small a mounts of positive affect during conflict predicted positive outcomes in the relationship. Bob Levensons lab has also found that humor is effective at reducing physiological arousal.(To learn 3 secrets from neuroscience that will help you quit bad habits without willpower, clickhere.)Maybe youre doing good so far. But theres a point when you just want it toend. You cant handle any more talking or any more feelings. Like youve been throughthirty days of Guantanamo Bay waterboarding and youre allIll-tell-you-whatever-you-want-to-know-just-make-this-stop.Yes, men, Im looking at you Accept influenceDont deny your partners feelings and try to shut them up. Hear them out. That doesnt mean just continue nodding until the words finally stop coming out of their face. It means actually pay attention to and consider what theyre saying.Guys have a big problem with this one - and it can kill a relationship.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesMens acceptance of influence fro m their female partner was critical for well-functioning heterosexual relationships. The inability to accept influence from women was a stable predictor of relationship meltdown.When women complain, men often emotionally disengage or get defensive and this just escalates things. The point isnt that you have to fold and give in, you just have to listen and make it clear youre listening.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThis is manifested in one of two patterns of rejecting influence (1) male emotional disengagement (which eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement), or (2) male escalation (belligerence, contempt, defensiveness) in response to their wives low-intensity negative affect (complaining). The (happily married) men dont reject influence from their women as often. They tend to say things like okay, or good point, or youre making perfect sense, really, or youre starting to convince me. This is not compliance it is lively give and take. To be power ful in a relationship we must be capable of accepting influence on some things our partner wants.(To learn how to have a happy marriage, clickhere.)But what about those arguments you have over and over and over again? Will they ever get resolved?Actually, uh, no Often, nobody wins. So play nice.Almost 70% of recurring relationship disagreements never get resolved.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Coupleswe learned that only 31% of couples major area of continuing disagreement was about a resolvable issue. Much more frequently- 69% of the time- it was about an unresolvable perpetual problem.Unless its a true dealbreaker (You really need to stop sleeping with the UPS guy), let it go. You have to accept your partner as-is.Nobody is perfect.Yourenot perfect.When you get involved with anyone, youre accepting a set of problems. You just want to make sure youre with someone whose problems you can handle.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesWe found that what mattered most was not resolution of these perpetual problems but the affect that occurred around discussion of them. The goal of happily married couples seemed to be establish a dialogue around the perpetual problem - one that included shared humor and affection and communicated acceptance of the partner and even amusement.Discuss the issue, but dont expect that itll ever get resolved to everyones complete satisfaction. Its more abouthowyou discuss it. Be accepting, affectionate and laugh about it.(To learn how to deal with passive aggressive people, clickhere.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Time to round it all up and learn the final (and much more pleasant) thing that can help smooth romantic difficultiesSum upThis is how to solve relationship problemsStart gently Complain but dont criticize. Focus on the problem, not the person.Stay calm When your pulse goes up, happiness goes down.Stay positive Five To One isnt just a song by The Doors its also the key to a happy relationship.A ccept influence Really listening to your partners needs can make sure I never see atrue crime documentary onDateline NBCabout the end of your relationship.Often, nobody wins. So play nice If your attitude is my way or the highway then I hope you like traffic jams. As Aristotle never said, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.So what else should you do in order to make a relationship work and get past problems? Its not all about arguing the right way You need to have fun. Keep making an effort, keep having adventures, keep acting like you did when you first started dating.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn relationships that were happy, people continued courtship and intimacy and nurtured emotional connection, friendship, fun, adventure, and playfulness.Even in the middle of a fight, its important to remember the person in front of you is the person you love.Love isnt just a noun its also a verb. Loves not just so mething you have, its something you do.And if you can continue to do it in the midst of an argument, then you can be happy after it ends.And isnt that what we all want? Happily ever after?Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.