What to Do if You Think Your Boss Is Wrong - The Muse

What to Do if You Think Your Boss Is Wrong - The MuseWhat to Do if You Think Your Boss Is Wrong You know its important to speak up at work. But, lets be real You contribute with the hope that your ideas will be taken seriously.Its hard to feel that way if your anfhrer is constantly shooting them down and taking things anotherbei direction. And, it only makes matters worse if its not simply a difference of opinion, but you feel that theyre straight-up wrong.When youre at that point, all of the solutions can seem drastic Do you just accept that youll hate going to work every day? Do you have a sit down and hash out why you disagree with your boss every single time? Or do you quit, and look for a supervisor youll see eye-to-eye with?Before you get to one of those options, be honest with yourself Have you really thought about why you always disagree? Because once you have an answer to that (beyond I like my idea more), youll have a better sense of what to do next1. Because Its a ChangeIf youre in the dont fix what isnt broken club, its hard to get on board with someone changing things, apparently just for the sake of it. Its frustrating that your new boss is implementing new strategies when things have been going just fine.Build CredibilityIf your main complaint is that her approach is different, your best course of action is to do it her way across all projects. Wait Before you click out in frustration, Im not suggesting this as a forever change. Rather, its to help you decide when to push back- and make a stronger argument when you do.If you refuse to try any new approaches, your case is weak (and likely to be ignored), because you cant make a true comparison. Plus, you look more like someone whos stuck in their ways than someone who cares about the very best way to do things.Once youve tried the new strategies, youll be able to pick your battles- and point to specific reasons why you think a certain old process works better than the new one. If you still think t he new approaches suck and that your managers ignoring your feedback, youll have less regrets when you departure looking for a new role.2. Because You Think Theres a Low Likelihood of SuccessUnlike the person who resists new methods, youre at odds because you dont want to be set up to fail. You cant imagine going along to get along when the plans one you foresee crashing and burning. The just try it the new way approach can seem too risky if youre pretty sure itll cost huge time or money, or lose you a client.Get Clear on Your GoalsIn a former job, my supervisor made sure that we knew our role and goal for every assignment. Because the fact is Organizations evolve and these things shift, so its helpful to continually make sure youre aiming for the same target.By inquiring about your role in the project and the goals youre supposed to hit, you may learn that your boss main objective is innovating or piloting a new process- and that hes OK with what youd assume is a failure, so long a s youve tried. If, however, your boss has different goals, and you feel like youre being asked to do the impossible- not in a way that adds to your professional development- but in a way makes you dread going to work, then dont feel like you have to talk yourself to staying. While every job can include some degree of trusting your boss even when you disagree, you should never be made to feel like your job requires you to perform daily miracles.3. Because Your Boss Is a MicromanagerMaybe you constantly disagree with your boss because he never gives you the freedom to actually do your job. Or, if you go out and take initiative, he wants to see the project totally redone based on his vision.Be Honest With YourselfIn a recent article for Harvard Business Review, best-selling author Ron Carucci suggests that employees consider whether a boss is micromanaging them because their work isnt up to par.In other words, your manager is more likely to breathe down your neck that your have to do t hings her exact way no matter if you disagree- if your last few projects have been late, unfinished, or poorly executed.If this rings true, then, truth talk Youre stuck doing things her way for a bit. However, go out of your way not just to meet, but to exceed expectations, and show your full potential. Once youve earned back her trust, you can start suggesting innovations and pushing back with why youre ideas are better.But if your works been top-notch all along and shes just a serial micromanager, tell her its important to you to have the opportunity to take initiative and make more of a contribution. Then, listen to her response about whether or not youll be able to do that in this role. Finally, theres another reason why people disagree with their boss- and thats when theyre asked to do something they think is ethically questionable. This is not the time to try it their way. Schedule a meeting with HR (or your boss boss if theres no formal HR department) and share that you disag ree with what youre being asked to do. (Heres more on what to say).Of course, even when its not at whistle-blower level, were still talking about the manager you report to every day, and so youd like to have a positive working relationship. So, start by seeing if you cant try to learn more about where theyre coming from. Because, while it wont always be easy, if youre able to constructively work for someone with a completely different style, youll learn a lot.

How to solve relationship problems 5 secrets from research

How to solve relationship dicke bretter bohren mssens 5 secrets from researchHow to solve relationship schwierigkeits 5 secrets from researchEvery relationship has problems. And they lead to arguments - which often dont go anywhere and just make things worse.One solution is couples therapy. Its a very good solution, especially if you want to solve things by getting divorced.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn fact, we asked the people who participated in ur research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there welches a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.ThatsJohn Gottman, the data driven cupid of academia. Hes renowned as the relationship expert who can listen to a couple talk for just a few minutes and predict whether theyll split up with an eerie 90+% degree of accuracy.For decades hes brought couples into his lab, studied how they interacted and followed up to binnensee whether that worked. And hes learned a lot.Johns book isThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples.All couples have arguments. There is no magic, conflict-free relationship. (Sorry.) So how do you fightright? Thats what were gonna learn. Where should we start?How about at the beginning? Because as it turns out, beginnings are critical Start discussions gentlyAs you may have suspected, starting a conversation with YOU MORON is never a good idea.Seriously, if you dont want your partner to get defensive and angry then, quite simply, dont begin a discussion in a way that would makeanyperson defensive and angry.Sounds obvious but we all do it. And women do it a lot more than men. (Dont worry well get to the mistakes men make soon enough.)FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThe womans role here is usual ly critical, as in heterosexual relationships (in most Western culture) it is the woman who brings up the issues 80% of the time, according to research by Philip and Carolyn Cowan at Berkeley. Again, the findings suggest that starting with attack is less likely to result in nondefensive or empathic listening.The critical distinction here is between complaining and criticizing.Complaining about a specific problem or behavior is totally okay. (When youre late, it makes me feel like Im not important to you.) But criticizing is when you present the issue as a defect in your partner. (Youre just so selfish)Telling someone you dont like their behavior is appropriate and necessary. Accusing them of being a demon spawn succubus forged from an unholy pact in the darkest pits of the netherworld is, shall we say,less-than-constructive.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesHappy couples presented issues as joint problems, and specific to one situation. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, presented issues as if they were symptoms of global defects in the partners personality.But some people will respond, You dont understand. They always make this mistake and Im just trying tofixthem.Overruled, counselor. Yourestilldoing it, but with a shinier rationalization. Trying to fix your partner means you see them as defective. This is the perspective that couples on their way to Splitsville take.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesPartners in unhappy relationships saw it as their responsibility to help their partners become better people. They acted as if they believed that the problem in relationships is that we pair with people who arent as perfect as we are. Then it becomes our responsibility to point out to our partners how they can become better human beings. They need us to point out their mistakes. We expect them to be grateful to us for our great wisdom. In miserable relationships our habit of mind is to focus on our own irritability and disappointment, and to explain to our partners how they are responsible for these miserable feelings we have.Dont raise issues in a way that could be summed up as Everything would be wonderful if you just get your act together and do exactly as I tell you because youre the screw-up and Im the long-suffering victim here.Focus on the problem, not the person. And be gentle. Even if youareright, being self-righteous doesnt help.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so youve got your head on straight about how to approach things. But your head isnt the only part of you thats important here. Your body plays a big partStay calmI know, easier said than done. But this ishuge. The ability to stay physically calm during conflict showed the biggest correlation with relationship happiness of anything Gottman tested.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesI recall a landmark phone call in my life from Bob asking me if I had ever obtained high correlations (in the .90s), and him reporting that we had obtained such high correlations in our first 3-year follow-up study, using only physiological data in predicting relationship happiness, controlling for initial levels.Did you notice the wording there? Physiological. As in, your body. So suppressing rage, keeping your mouth shut andappearingchill doesnt qualify as calm.When things get emotional, your heart starts racing, the cortisol and adrenalin start pumping and this leads to a cascade of negative effects you cant control. You have trouble listening, empathizing and problem solving.Gottman calls it diffuse physiological arousal.You and I call it wigging out.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn the context of relationship conflict, DPA has big psychological effects. It decreases ones ability to take in information (reducing hearing and peripheral vision and making it difficult to shift attention away from a defensive posture). It can also create increased defensiveness and what we call the summarizing yourself syndrome, which is repeating ones own position in the hope that ones partner will suddenly get it and become loving again. DPA can reduce the ability to be creative in problem solving, it eliminates access to ones sense of humor and to affection, and it reduces the ability to listen to ones partner and empathize.And this is a bigger problem for men. When put in an emotional situation, men get flooded more quickly than women. And once physiologically worked up, it takes them longer to return to baseline.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples there were decreases in blood pressure only for women. Noradrenaline is a stress hormone that operates in the brain and is theequivalent of adrenaline in the periphery. Oxytocin, in her study, decreased noradrenaline levels for women, but not for men. Hence, this research would suggest that men are more vulnerable to DPAEver get into a heated argument and realize its going nowhere?Once the stress hormones are hitting the bloodstream at firehose speed, Gottman says constructive, empathetic discussion is impossible. So what do you do?Well, kids arent the only ones that can benefit from a time-out.You cant insist that your body relax. So Gottman recommends taking a 20-minute break. And distractyourself during that time. (Bitterly mumbling to yourself for 20 minutes isnt going to make Round 2 any easier.)When youre both calmer, try again.(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)So maybe you manage to stay all Zen. Great. But now youre in the thick of the conversation. What should you be saying to make sure it doesnt go off the rails?Stay positiveYeah, sounds obvious. But this isnt some silly little truism - its a powerful insight from real data. You want a ratio of five positive comments for every negative one.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThe ratio of pos itive to negative affect during conflict in stable relationships is 51 in couples headed for divorce, it is 0.81 or less.Even in the midst of arguments, the successful couples Gottman studied frequently sprinkled in positive statements like Good point,Say more about how you feel and what you need, and If thats so important to you lets find a way to make that happen.You want to avoid negative comments that arent constructive likeThat is so stupid, Youre so selfish and, Id love to hit you with a tire iron and bury you in the crawlspace.But dont forget - the ratio was five to one, not five tozero. Negativity isnt evil. In fact, a little bit is necessary. Getting angry didnt cause breakupsIt wasescalationof negativity that landed people in divorce court.You yell and then they yell louder and then you yell even louder until the windows are vibrating and the pets are cowering beneath the couch.If this sounds like your fights, may I suggest you dont get a 30-year mortgage? Because your ma rriage will likely be over in 6.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIt is the escalation of negativity, marked particularly by criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that predicts divorce. We found that couples who escalated conflict divorced an average of about 5.6 years after their wedding.When things get heated, use humor. Calling your partner a joke is not a good idea but making a joke during a fight can help de-escalate conflict.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples(Positive affect) was the only variable that predicted both couple stability and happiness in our newlywed study. Furthermore, the positive affect was not distributed evenly or randomly during the conflict conversation - rather, it was used precisely - it was in the service of conflict deescalation. Positive affect and deescalation were used in the service of physiological soothing, particularly of the male in heterosexual relationships. Thats why even small a mounts of positive affect during conflict predicted positive outcomes in the relationship. Bob Levensons lab has also found that humor is effective at reducing physiological arousal.(To learn 3 secrets from neuroscience that will help you quit bad habits without willpower, clickhere.)Maybe youre doing good so far. But theres a point when you just want it toend. You cant handle any more talking or any more feelings. Like youve been throughthirty days of Guantanamo Bay waterboarding and youre allIll-tell-you-whatever-you-want-to-know-just-make-this-stop.Yes, men, Im looking at you Accept influenceDont deny your partners feelings and try to shut them up. Hear them out. That doesnt mean just continue nodding until the words finally stop coming out of their face. It means actually pay attention to and consider what theyre saying.Guys have a big problem with this one - and it can kill a relationship.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesMens acceptance of influence fro m their female partner was critical for well-functioning heterosexual relationships. The inability to accept influence from women was a stable predictor of relationship meltdown.When women complain, men often emotionally disengage or get defensive and this just escalates things. The point isnt that you have to fold and give in, you just have to listen and make it clear youre listening.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThis is manifested in one of two patterns of rejecting influence (1) male emotional disengagement (which eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement), or (2) male escalation (belligerence, contempt, defensiveness) in response to their wives low-intensity negative affect (complaining). The (happily married) men dont reject influence from their women as often. They tend to say things like okay, or good point, or youre making perfect sense, really, or youre starting to convince me. This is not compliance it is lively give and take. To be power ful in a relationship we must be capable of accepting influence on some things our partner wants.(To learn how to have a happy marriage, clickhere.)But what about those arguments you have over and over and over again? Will they ever get resolved?Actually, uh, no Often, nobody wins. So play nice.Almost 70% of recurring relationship disagreements never get resolved.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Coupleswe learned that only 31% of couples major area of continuing disagreement was about a resolvable issue. Much more frequently- 69% of the time- it was about an unresolvable perpetual problem.Unless its a true dealbreaker (You really need to stop sleeping with the UPS guy), let it go. You have to accept your partner as-is.Nobody is perfect.Yourenot perfect.When you get involved with anyone, youre accepting a set of problems. You just want to make sure youre with someone whose problems you can handle.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesWe found that what mattered most was not resolution of these perpetual problems but the affect that occurred around discussion of them. The goal of happily married couples seemed to be establish a dialogue around the perpetual problem - one that included shared humor and affection and communicated acceptance of the partner and even amusement.Discuss the issue, but dont expect that itll ever get resolved to everyones complete satisfaction. Its more abouthowyou discuss it. Be accepting, affectionate and laugh about it.(To learn how to deal with passive aggressive people, clickhere.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Time to round it all up and learn the final (and much more pleasant) thing that can help smooth romantic difficultiesSum upThis is how to solve relationship problemsStart gently Complain but dont criticize. Focus on the problem, not the person.Stay calm When your pulse goes up, happiness goes down.Stay positive Five To One isnt just a song by The Doors its also the key to a happy relationship.A ccept influence Really listening to your partners needs can make sure I never see atrue crime documentary onDateline NBCabout the end of your relationship.Often, nobody wins. So play nice If your attitude is my way or the highway then I hope you like traffic jams. As Aristotle never said, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.So what else should you do in order to make a relationship work and get past problems? Its not all about arguing the right way You need to have fun. Keep making an effort, keep having adventures, keep acting like you did when you first started dating.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn relationships that were happy, people continued courtship and intimacy and nurtured emotional connection, friendship, fun, adventure, and playfulness.Even in the middle of a fight, its important to remember the person in front of you is the person you love.Love isnt just a noun its also a verb. Loves not just so mething you have, its something you do.And if you can continue to do it in the midst of an argument, then you can be happy after it ends.And isnt that what we all want? Happily ever after?Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.

Thinking were being paid fairly matters more than making a fair wage

Thinking were being paid fairly matters more than making a fair wageThinking were being paid fairly matters more than making a fair wageHow you feel about how your company pays you matters much more than the hard numbers of your paycheck, according to anew survey of more than 500,000 employeesby the salary databasePayScale.The survey found that employees believing they had a fair and erkennbar pay process had 5.4 times the impact on how satisfied employees felt at their company, compared to whether the employee was actually being paid at market value for their role.In other words, were much more sensitive to why and how were being paid than what were being paid.Why fair and durchschaubar salaries are so importantWhy does so-and-so get paid more than I do? How do raises happen on my team?When employees know the answers to these questions, they feel like they have more agency over their careers.As any highly paid yet miserable employee recognizes, the zeroes in our paychecks dont comfo rt us as much as feeling appreciated and valued by our employers.Our study shows that just by having an open dialogue about the pay process and employees contributions at the company, employers can ultimately drive better outcomes for their businesses,Lydia Frank, PayScales Vice President of Content Strategy said.We often dont know if were fairly paidAnd the survey found that we could use all the help we can get with clarifying pay processes, because many of us are bad at estimating if were being paid fairly. Of the people the survey found were being underpaid at their jobs, almost 90% thought they were paid at or above market rate.What companies should knowBeing transparent about pay doesnt just keep employees engaged at work - it helps to ensure that they are being compensated equally. Advocates of closing the gender gap argue that being transparent about pay is key to stopping the persistent gap between mens and womens salaries. When your company conducts regular pay audits, the y can change behaviors and stop unconscious biases between teams.This study shows us that we care more about processes more than results when it comes to our salaries. To keep us engaged at work, employersdont just need to have the right answers, they need to show the rest of the class how they got to that number.